What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 14:42
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She found it foreign!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It was going to be , some day.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When she asked me how she looked .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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I said to her
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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She wouldn,t have been !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So, i spoilt her more .
Would this be the day?
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She loved him until the end.
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is soul school!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But ive been too sick for many years..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were not on the streets..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I will be 64.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it wasn’t much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
I have no regrets .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
All the time i was locked up.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I don,t even have a pension.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My life is so biszare .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
(And it was in our own minds.)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I waited trembling.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And i lived it daily.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ive learnt so much.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was seconnd youngest,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He knew the spot.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What did i know ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!